Hey friends. Welcome. We made it to another Friday. Is your S.A.D gone now that spring has officially sprung? Are your circadian rhythms rhythm-ing to their fullest? Are you wondering why despite all the sunshine and flowers a-blooming you’re still a-doom-scrolling and spending 8 hours indoors? Me too! But let’s not think about that right now, shall we?
I was going to make this weeks Sub (yes, writing out the word Substack is far too much work) about getting into crystals and affirmations and manifesting and gratitude journals and Brene Brown platitudes and slowly becoming THAT girlie that I used to make fun of (probably because of all this nonsense) but even I bored myself as my eyes rolled far out of my head two sentences into it so, we’re pivoting! And to that point and speaking of the aforementioned spring, I think it’s about time we talk about something superfluous yet synonymous with the season, yes? And that extremely important thing is…
Girl scout cookies. Duh. Shout out to my Amherst, NY Troop 881. I still don’t know exactly what we were ever fundraising for in my 8(?) years in the Scouts, but I made my way around my block year in and year out with my big puppy dog eyes like the empty-caloric-bomb drug dealer I was regardless for seemingly no reward but more of my molars requiring sealant.
Figuring out which Girl Scout Cookie you are is basically the equivalent of your daily horoscope / astrology chart and is thus your new personality. So let’s dig in, shall we?
Below are the latest offerings that may have made their way around your office five times over by now or have put your tastebuds vs. your practical-health-decision-making-skills to the ultimate test in front of your local Ralphs.
If this is your go-to sugar bomb of choice, you live life to the fullest and are confident in who you are, girl. You‘re a bold bitch who likes to go rock climbing / free solo-ing / bouldering / base jumping or some other extreme / crazy shit on the weekends just to get your adrenaline to to base level. Growing up you wanted to be a chef but you then decided you’re far too free for that grueling 7 day a week 12+ hour shift in a confining industrial kitchen and that’s because your spirit animal is a wild horse and your life philosophy? YOLO, honey. You’re probably an influencer / wannabe influencer or content creator. (Or like, work a Real Job in marketing.)
Welcome to the party, you class clown, you. You’re quirky and unpredictable and we absolutely love that for you, honey. Growing up you didn’t know what the hell you wanted to be so you tried writing and stand up and it didn’t exactly work out for you so now you do copywriting and make memes for various social media accounts and submit your comedic headlines to places like Reductress and The Onion but never hear back from them but that’s ok because you’re not afraid to go after your dreams and your spirit cannot be broken. Speaking of, your animal? A raccoon dog. They’re mischievous and jolly afterall, just like you and we are here for it.
You are an easy, breezy, beautiful Covergirl, honey. You live for your twice a month Rent The Runway orders and clean-girl aesthetic. You love the spa, summer and Taylor Swift. You wanted to be a model or pop star growing up but that was too hard so you settled for event planner to those people instead—close enough. You’re all about creating "experiential experiences using scents and you better believe yet another new and improved lavender- spray-for-pillows is next up on your list of business ventures.
Bow down for the Prom Queen, ladies and gents. You were voted most popular in high school and you’re as faithful as CT and Trishelle. Whereas those Adventurefuls bitches may have been wannabe influencers, you’re definitely already an Influencer with a capital I, whatever that means. Well, either that, or you’re actually doing good in the world as a teacher, professor, civil rights lawyer or social worker. So yeah. Two polar opposite ends of the spectrum with the common goal of using the respect you wield to influence others in positive (or I don’t know, you do you, nefarious to your advantage?) ways.
Congratulations. You’re everyone’s bestie and that’s because you’re smart, get along with anyone and everyone and you’re a real go-getter. You’re creative and artistic, but like a successful artistic—having sold every project you’ve ever worked on in whatever medium that is. We’re jealous of you but you deserve it because you’re one talented bitch and definitely NOT a nepo baby or anything.
Huge high fives are in order because if these are your go to decadent-delight-dejour, you are the life of the party. Unique, innovative and curious, growing up you wanted to be a vet but then realized you really just wanted to pet animals all day and didn’t want to have to put any animal down or you know, do your actual job and do surgery or whatever on them. You now work in product development or graphic design, love traveling to rainforests and taking pictures monkeys and love yourself a good old fashioned Painkiller.
You are far too self-conscious for your own good, but you’re chill and easy-going so you’ve got that going for you. You were a straight-A student vibes and were obviously class Valedictorian. You were a late-bloomer in coming of age milestones because of the pressure put on you by your parents or trying to live up to your older sibling but guess who has the last laugh at this successful Space-X rival startup? You. Because you’re the motherfuckin’ CEO.
You’re a pain in the ass and like the finer things in life. You grew up upper middle class and your parents retired early and now live in a “community” in Boca. You work in PR or fashion. You have Delta Airlines Diamond Medallion status and have a membership to the SoHo House. No one knows what the hell you do but your social media presence has us thinking that maybe you do like two acting roles or commercials a year, go to a lot of farmers markets and Erewhon weekly, and are traveling to Ibiza / Burning Man / Greece / Dubai for the remainder of the year. But you know what? We all hate you but are all incredibly envious of you. You do you, girl.
You are a serial killer.
Now is the moment of truth where I see if we shall move forward as friends or foes, dear reader. Which Girl Scout cookie are YOU? Think long and hard about this. (And yes, I’m sure you are multi-faceted three-dimensional human that is likely a combo of many but not today this is an incredibly black and white matter think hard it’s very important. Also no cheating—the poll thing only lets me do five at a time.)
Alright, but really, after all that, where the hell are these Girl Scouts and why haven’t any shown up at my door to guilt me out of at least $18 yet, I’m starving. (Or better yet—hey, Girl Scouts Corporate? Call me. Or you know what, better yet—just send me a truckload, yeah? I just did a bunch of free promo for you for seemingly no reason, please and thanks.)
The moral of this entire superfluous, nonsensical Sub? ‘Tis the season, y’all.
Spring has officially sprung.
Coachella is nearly already upon us.
What is time.
Fin.
Top o' the podcast to ya! In honor of the holiday weekend, the ladies are sharing their experiences celebrating St. Patrick's Day all over the world. Red then leads the charge in sharing the tale of warrior queen and Irish folklore figure, Queen Maeve! Get ready for some mispronounced Gaelic and a special St. Patrick's Day themed round of Do We Love This or That? Bad Language Warning: FILTHY Limericks are involved! So turn up the Celtic tunes and pour your finest whiskey for this episode of I Love That For You! Sláinte!
Follow us @ilovethatforyoupod, over at our Facebook page and email us with questions, comments or if you want to be a guest on a future episode at ilovethatforyoupod@gmail.com. We basically have as many listeners as Girls Gotta Eat.
Show: Love is definitely not the right word since there’s absolutely nothing to love about the topic, but I watched all four of the Quiet on the Set: The Dark Side of Kids TV doc episodes on Max and it was just as disturbing as it sounds. (Not so fun fact—years ago I actually interviewed to be either a writers assistant or Dan’s assistant and the woman interviewing me said whatever you do—don’t be Dan’s assistant. Still gives me chills.) Still, a super important watch bringing to light dark truths.
Podcast:The show doesn’t need any more promo but Megan Fox was on Call Her Daddy this week and it was fascinating. I actually feel kind of bad for her even though she’s the hottest woman on the planet. Definitely worth a listen.
Song: Olivia Rodrigo finally released her Guts Deluxe Album today. And you could (oh so cleverly) say I may be obsessed with her new music video for….“Obsessed.” Should’ve been on the regular album, but what do I know. All of her songs are bangers.
K that’s all for now. Bye.
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Love this Sub! But now I’m going to be a lot poorer after using my credit card on the Girl Scouts website! Happy Spring everyone!