FGF
FOMO(?) ediiton
Happy FGF all. Hope Tax Day treated you way better than mine did.
As someone who has been to like 10 Coachella’s (not a humblebrag to most of you who’d rather watch paint dry then subject yourself to said three day festival) I’m not bitter at all about missing Coachella this year. Not even a little. In fact, dare I say, I think I’m thriving.
Because if you think about it, who needs three days of unbridled fun and joy in the desert when you have a sectional sofa, a knee brace, crutches and the ability to pee without a line? Honestly, the home experience is the real VIP experience. The bliss I feel while watching the dust inhalation from afar must be what wellness influencers mean when they dish out the obvious “listen to your body” cliches. Well, I did in fact do that, and my body said, “Girl, sit your crutched ass the fuck down.”
Normally by the Influencer Olympics Opening Ceremony on Friday afternoon, I’d be standing in a beverage line that is technically moving but is spiritually stationary, paying $19 for an iced latte that tastes like watery dirt and texting “where are you?” into the void next to a guy who is tripping whilst vibing with a hula hoop.
Instead, this year, I was at home watching the livestream like a sports mom, yelling things like: “TURN THE MIC UP!” “WHY IS THE CAMERA ON THE CROWD I DON’T CARE GET BACK TO SABRINA!” and “WHY DOES THAT DUDE HAVE WHAT LOOKS LIKE A FLAMETHROWER??”
And of course Couchchella doesn’t just stop with the Livestream experience. Oh no. Quite the contrary. TIkTok and Instagram was doing what TikTok and Instagram does best: serving me pics and vids of influencers wearing outfits that may legally qualify as string-based architecture.
Somewhere (many-a-where) on the Empire Polo Club Grounds, many a girl named Sage and Sapphire were wearing crochet triangles, sparkles and vibes. Meanwhile, I was wearing an oversized hoodie and sweatpants that have known me since 2016 and have seen some things.
Coachella fashion this year, or at least on weekend one (the influencer weekend) appeared to follow the theme“Post-Apocalyptic-Pilates-Instructor-Marries-a-Disco-Ball.”
There were the usual cowboy boots with no visible purpose, the sheer fabrics that would not survive one brisk wind (not to mention the cold desert nights), sunglasses shaped like medieval weaponry and at least 53 variations of “desert fairy who owns a vape. “
Meanwhile, my outfit rotation consisted of: knee brace (Spring/Summer collection), compression-sock-chic, emotional support sweatshirt and hair tie that hasn’t come out since Thursday.
And honestly? Tell me why I was still more comfortable than 90% of the festival attendees.
And now for the food. At Coachella, food is less about nourishment and more about financial endurance.
When you’re in the desert, expect to pay $27 for loaded fries, $18 for lemonade and approximately $32 with tip for a mediocre margarita. (But at least there won’t be any lines for said food because evidently everyone at Coachella is on Ozempic. )
Meanwhile, at home, I made nachos so aggressive they prob would’ve been banned by festival security. I had unlimited cheese, zero lines and the power to add guac without permission. So yeah, you tell me who the real VIP is here.
Couchchella-ing from home also turns one into an Olympic-level multitasker.
I had one livestream going on the TV, one on my laptop, a group chat going ferals, TikTok and IG open for outfit surveillance, and my ice pack rotation on point. I think after all that I’m now qualified to manage a NASCAR pit crew.
So was I physically there? No. But was I emotionally present? Aggressively.
At one point on Saturday night, I stood (hobbled) up during The Strokes set like I was about to crowd-surf…only to immediately remember my knee situation and sit back down like a humbled Victorian widow.
But like, let’s list the totally real benefits of watching from home shall we? 1. No sunburn shaped like abstract art. 2. No dust inhalation that turns your lungs into a chalkboard. 3. No 45-minute walk back to a shuttle while questioning life choices. 4. No porta-potty trauma that will fundamentally change who you are as a person upon returning to real life and perhaps most importantly 5. No impending bankruptcy from the $17234 spent for three days.
Instead, I had a bathroom with lighting, soap that existed and a (still broken) fridge I could hobble to at my leisure if I wanted. (Thank god for cheaper-than-one-item-at-Coachella-for-four-items-Postmates.) Frankly, royalty lives like this.
Do I miss the chaos of Coachella? Yes. Do I miss standing in a crowd with strangers who suddenly become your best friends during one specific chorus? Absolutely. Do I miss that weird, magical feeling when the sun sets and everything glows and you think, “This is the moment that made this all worth it?”
Okay, yeah. That last part I miss quite a bit. But you know what I don’t miss?
Blisters. Dust in my eyelashes. Walking 75 miles in the blistering sun. Texting “I’m by the cactus” and realizing there are 700 cacti both real and likely AI-ified.
Couchchella is healing. Couchchella is hydration. Couchchella is watching three sets at once while wearing pajamas that could by definition qualify as a blanket.
But next year?
You better BELIEVE I’ll be back. Dusty. Hydrated-ish. Ready to tackle the Mojave tent with a new-ish knee and a prayer.
But for now, I’ll be right here, on my couch, knee elevated, snack abundant, absolutely not bitter, not even once, not for a single second. Nope. Never. Not me.
Have a great weekend two all.
THE SHALLOW STUFF
Ready to laugh?
Ready to smile?
I’ve been in said swirly thing. That’s a hot and boring AF run.
Ready for your pump up song of the week?
Olivia Rodrigo’s first single off of OR3 Drop Dead is finally out and is amazing.
But as I wait for that, I’m obsessed with the below and I imagine all you emo millennials will be too. If I have a kid, these future texts I would receive will have made it worth it in the name of content, duh.
THE DEEP STUFF
Ready to cry?
Ready to be inspired?
Ready for your good deed of the week?
Earth Day is on the 22nd and there are so many ways to get involved virtually and in person.
If you’re in LA here’s a great Earth Day event in Burbank for you: https://myburbank.com/city-of-burbank-announces-activities-to-celebrate-earth-day/
THREE THINGS I’M LOVING THIS WEEK
POINTLESS GIRL ON GIRL DRAMA: Alix vs Alex drama
And also Alix’s Coachella vlog
SHOW: Company Retreat bonus episodes
BOOK: Sandwich by Catherine Newman
Logline: A highly acclaimed, moving, and humorous novel about a woman, Rocky, navigating a transformative week-long family vacation on Cape Cod.
