FGF
traitors edition
Happy FGF. Last night was The Traitors finale and not so SPOILER ALERT if you’ve been watching this season, of course Rob and his pretty privilege won.
But that brings me to todays Subsatck. In case you haven’t heard, they’re currently casting for a “normie” version of The Traitors. (You should apply by Match 10!)
Since I work in and around entertainment and have worked in casting, I don’t have a shot in hell of getting on. (Not for any other reason but that. I’m otherwise SUPER interesting and GREAT TV, I swear.)
But if in an alternate universe I DID get cast and find myself northwest of Inverness for three weeks in May, here’s what my strategy would be:
Step 1: Become immediately useless but remain likable
Now that we’re on season 4, we have enough data to confirm one thing: if you are memorable in literally any direction, it’s not a matter of if, but when you will be going home. Loud? Goodbye. Smart? Suspicious. Quiet? Obviously plotting. Athletic? Threat. Strategic? Prison.
Nope. The path to the finale is aggressively medium—borderline boring. (Cc: this seasons final Faithfuls.)
Invisible but pleasant. Competent-adjacent. I would walk into that castle and immediately establish myself as someone who means well but cannot be trusted with a pulley system. I’m talking burning toast. I’m talking dropping a puzzle piece and apologizing profusely like I told their kids Santa isn’t real. I’m talkign volunteering to carry a barrel during a challenge and then softly asking, “Wait, is this… heavier than it looks?” Everyone will simultaneously roll their eyes and chuckle. “Oh, that’s just Kelly for you.” And that’s right where I want them.
Step 2: Cry (strategically)
Every season there’s the person who sobs so hard you’re like, yo…this is JUST A GAME honey, relax, OR there’s the person who never sheds a tear and therefore is clearly an AI robot assassin.
The sweet spot is one tasteful emotional moment per episode. A dewy eye. A light tremble. Nothing too heavy that would ruin my concealer. I’m talking something vague like “I just… I don’t want to let anyone down.”
Does that mean I murdered someone? Does it mean I care deeply about integrity in a game literally called THE TRAITORS? Does it mean that I’m just really tired and desperately need electrolytes and carbs?
Yes. It means all of it. Also none of it.
Step 3: Identify a himbo(s) and latch TF on
Every season gifts us at least one golden retriever man who says things like, “I just go with my gut,” as if his gut has ever once been right in this game.
That man shall be my infrastructure.
I will: nurture his instincts, ask how he’s holding up, tell him, “You have such strong reads,” and/or react to his theories like he just solved climate change.
And then, when my name inevitably gets tossed out, this himbo shall defend me with the unearned confidence of someone who has absolutely zero receipts but tremendous heart.
“Guys, no. I trust her.” Why? Unclear. But he feels it. And on this show, feelings are admissible evidence.
4. Speak only in mystical vibes at the Round Table
I would never accuse with facts. Instead, I would say things like: “The energy shifted when you walked in.” “Your reaction felt rehearsed.” “I don’t know why but my stomach dropped.”
This is not a courtroom. This is a seance. The louder someone demands proof, the more suspicious they look. (Cc: Michael Rapaport)
Meanwhile, I’ll be just be over here chilling and protecting my “energy.”
5. If I’m a Faithful, act slightly guilty
Ok listen up because this one is counterintuitive but crucial.
The people who scream “I’M 100% A FAITHFUL” go home. Instead, I would say something like: “I totally get why you’d question me. I would totally be on to me to.”
This implies maturity. Self-awareness. Possibly betrayal. But not too much betrayal. Just enough to make people tired and / or confused. And tired / confused people do not banish you. They just want to get tf back to their hotel room after a long twelve hour day of production and go with the groupthink.
6. If I’m a Traitor, immediately panic (internally)
If Alan tapped me on the shoulder to become a Traitor, I will: nod calmly under the blindfold and smile, then later I shall walk to the turret and dissociate. I will then adopt my single most important rule: Never lead a murder discussion. Just add to an ongoing convo, nod thoughtfully. say things like: “Yeah, that makes sense. I noticed that sketchy behavior too. Sorry, Housewife.”
Traitors get caught when they get creative. I will be beige. Beige survives.
7. Never win too much money
The more money you help win, the more important you look. The more important you look, the more people think: “She could win this.”
Nope. No thank you.
Instead, I shall solve half a clue. Suggest one correct answer. Applaud loudly when someone else finishes the task.
The golden rule is to contribute, yes, but never headline.
8. Final Five Strategy: Become The Therapist
By this point, everyone is exhausted and paranoid AF. Therefore, this is when I'd pivot into “I just want what’s fair” mode.
I will offer hugs. I will validate hurt feelings. I will say things like “I see you.” Nobody votes out the emotional support human. Even if she’s just so happened to have murdered three people. (Or do they?)
9. If I’m exposed, gaslight everyone with kindness
If someone says: “I think you’re a Traitor,” I will not get defensive. Instead, I will softly respond: “That actually hurts, Bob.”
Now the accuser looks aggressive and I look wounded. The room splits. And this game loves division.
10. If I Win
If I win as a Faithful, I will cry and say: “I trusted the right people.”
If I win as a Traitor, I will cry and say: “I trusted myself.”
Either way, I will cry.
THE SHALLOW STUFF
Ready to laugh?
Ready to smile?
Ready for your pump up song for the weekend?
THE DEEP STUFF
Ready to cry?
Ready to be inspired?
Ready for your good deed of the week?
The influencer who raised millions for 88 year old veteran Ed Bambas is doing a free 7 day kindness challenge that starts on March 9. I’m intrigued. You can learn more here!
https://community.wearekindr.com/challenge
THREE THINGS I’M LOVING THIS WEEK
BOOK: Boy Island A Novel by Camden Joy
Logline: Boy Island tells the picaresque tale of an American rock 'n roll band as they travel below both the Mason-Dixon Line and the cultural radar in early 1991.
ARTICLE: Is Everyone Scorned By Hollywood Industry Becoming A Therapist Now?
BOOK ANNOUNCEMENT: Daddy Issues
It doesn’t even come out until November but I have to say…I’m here for it.
