FGF
winter olympics edition
Happy FGF! Sunday is the last day of the Winter Olympics, so let’s chat insane winter sports we had never heard of before real quick on the last acceptable week to do so, shall we?
Every four years I sit on the couch wrapped in a blanket like a patriotic burrito to watch the Winter Olympic Game (highlights on YouTube) and think two things:
1. Holy shit these athletes are extraordinary.
2. I would immediately die if I even attempted to do this.
The Winter Olympics are magical because they combine peak human performance with sports that feel, at times, like someone lost a bet. (Hence having to work a full time job outside of said sport.) First up…
Curling: Competitive Housekeeping
Curling looks like what would happen if shuffleboard, ice and a Swiffer had a baby.
I love that the entire strategy appears to be: gently push a beautifully crafted 40-pound stone from some island in Scotland and then… AGGRESSIVELY clean in front of it. Imagine explaining this to an alien.
“What are they doing?”
“Scrubbing the path of destiny.”
I’m also obsessed with the drama, like the below very moment this ( I can only naively assume) polite Canadian was caught cheating. LOVE IT.
Quiet, focused folks calculating angles like they’re defusing a bomb. Hushed tension. Polite applause. No one flexing or chest-bumping.
I don’t understand curling. I will never understand curling. I didn’t even want to watch curling for more than 30 seconds when it was on in a bar.
I would like to try curling immediately.
Skeleton: Face-First Regret
Then there’s the Skeleton, also known as what-if-we-sled-but-scarier?
Lie face-down on what appears to be a cafeteria tray and then hurl yourself down an icy tube at highway speeds. No steering wheel. No brakes. Just vibes.
Every time I watch these highlights I think they must have done well in high school physics because this sport is essentially: momentum + ice + courage + questionable life decisions.
And the fact that they keep their chin two inches above the ice?! That’s unhinged bravery right there. My neck literally hurts just watching.
Nordic Combined: Why not just do everything?
Enter Nordic Combined—the overachiever of winter sports.This is ski jumping and cross-country skiing. Not one. Both.
It’s like the Olympics looked at ski jumping and said: “Fun. But what if after that, you’re also very, very tired?”
Ski jumping already feels like something invented by Vikings who were bored and slightly chaotic. You launch yourself off a massive ramp and just… fly. For distance. For national pride. For glory.
Then someone decided: “Let’s add a grueling endurance race afterward.”
That’s not a sport. That’s a personality trait.
Biathlon: Cardio + sniper energy
Now let’s discuss Biathlon.
Cross-country skiing… but periodically you stop and shoot a rifle because apparently skiing is too feminine on its own?
This is the only Olympic event that feels like it was conceptualized during a survivalist retreat.
The drama is unmatched. Athletes are skiing full speed, heart pounding, lungs collapsing, and then they must suddenly become calm enough to hit a tiny target from 50 meters away?!
I deeply respect biathletes because they are part cardio machine, part sharpshooter and all emotionally stable under pressure.
I’m none of these things.
Ice Dancing: Soap Opera on Blades
Let’s move on to everyone’s favorite, the gymnastics of the Winter Olympics—ice dancing.
Ice dancing is essentially romance novels on skates.
The eye contact. The costumes. The DRAMA. The smoldering glances that say: “We are either deeply in love or about to betray each other for a small European principality.”
Ice dancing is figure skating’s theater kid cousin. Less jumps. More tension. Every routine feels like: A breakup. A reconciliation. A forbidden love. Or all three in 3 minutes and 40 seconds.
The trust required to be lifted over someone’s head on literal knives attached to your feet? Incredible.
And love it or hate it, the “evil” French couple and judge really took things up to soap opera level perfection too. Chef’s kiss.
Double Luge: WTF??
Finally there’s luge, but let’s zoom in on THE DOUBLE LUGE.
You lie on your back. Feet first. On a sled that looks like it was assembled with IKEA instructions and a prayer. Then you rocket down an ice tunnel at 80+ mph WITH ANOTHER HUMAN ON TOP OF YOU. (P.S The smaller of the two of you is ON THE BOTTOM.)
The body control is microscopic. They steer by shifting their weights by what appears to be half a millimeter. If I tried that, I’d steer directly into LA 2028.
Also, the camera angles? All helmet, blur, and existential dread.
I imagine these athletes would be very fun to party with.
So in conclusion, the Winter Olympics are the greatest reminder that humans are wildly capable. Ice is not to be trusted. And somewhere in the world, there is a person whose childhood dream was “face-first sledding.”
Every event makes me feel both inspired and deeply aware that my athletic peak was a middle school mile run I still talk about.
And yet…every four years, I will sit in my burrito blanket position, yelling at my tv lke I understand aerodynamic drag, pretending I have strong opinions about judging panels and Googling: “Is it too late to start curling?”
Probably. But like, emotionally? I’m already on the ice.
Have a great weekend.
THE SHALLOW STUFF
Ready to laugh?
Ready to smile?
Ready for your pump up song for the weekend?
THE DEEP STUFF
Ready to cry?
I’ve never cried so much over a monkey in my life but now we can all cry happy tears.
Ready to be inspired?
Ready for your good deed of the week?
Go out there and buy some Girl Scout cookies. Hopefully from this girl but if not use this to find your nearest local troop.
THREE THINGS I’M LOVING THIS WEEK
DOCU: Reality Check: America’s Next Top Model
I definitely did not love watching this, especially since no one, ESPECIALLY Tyra herself, took any accountability for this garbage dumpster of a show. But it’s important to watch it so we never forget and never repeat this bullshit again. Oh, wait.
SHOW: Love is Blind S10
BOOK: Atmosphere by Taylor Jenkins Reid
Logline: Set in the 1980s space race, Atmosphere follows Joan Goodwin, a brilliant physicist who joins NASA’s elite astronaut training program. As she navigates intense training and the era's sexism, she falls into a forbidden, secret romance with a fellow pilot that threatens to shatter both their careers.
