hawk tuah and andy warhol walk into a cafe
and I have the exclusive
In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes.
-Andy Warhol
She’s been deemed by Esteemed publication Rolling Stone as
”Gen Z’s Dolly Parton” “America’s sweetheart” and “the national hero we all need right now.”
A reality show, a European tour and a podcast are all supposedly in the works, not to mention the $30,000 club appearances and a drop in during Zach Bryan’s recent Nashville concert.
Without further ado, Andy Warhol has, quite literally, risen to the occasion to interview Hawk Tuah girl for Vanity Fair, and, that’s right, Going Deep (In The Shallows) has this exclusive excerpt ahead of its release.
It’s on a sweltering July morning in a hipster, overpriced coffee shop in Nashville that I meet the hot new “It” girl of the moment. (At least that’s what her publicist wants this artist to say to you plebeians.) The “music” blasting through the speakers is so terribly distracting that I almost forget in my blind rage that the tiny 23-year-old woman dressed like a country western prostitute is my interviewee.
She’s 17 minutes late in arriving to my corner perch table for this interview that i’ve come from beyond the grave to conduct, but Vanity Fair is paying me a shit ton to do so, so I figured I’d indulge them in order to fund the upcoming haunts of some of my exes in New York. Back to the task at hand.
After receiving her $27 breakfast of avocado toast and oat milk latte which puts us an additional 13 minutes behind her very tight schedule, this woman, donning a cowboy hat, cutoff denim shorts and a “shirt” that looks like a chihuahua got a hold of the bottom half and had its way with it, barrels at me in my corner table perch, spilling her scorching hot latte onto my cashmere vest on her short way down to the orange arm chair across from me.
Andy Warhol: FUCK. HOT.
Hawk Tuah Girl: Oh, hello. That’s kinda a creepy thing to say to someone you just met haha.
AW: Napkins. Quick. I NEED ALL THE NAPKINS.
HTG: Ok ok, hold your horses there buddy boy.
AW: Do not call me that my name is Andy.
HTG: Mr. Serious over here. Lighten up would you! I’m Hawk Tuah girl. But please, call me Hailey.
AW: So why do they call you Hawk Tuah girl.
HTG: Um, well, I made a spit sound and said you have to spit on that thing while I was drunk during a man on the street interview and it went viral.
AW: I’m sorry. I’m going to need some clarification here. What does going viral mean—
HTG: Ha! You’re funny afterall
AW: —and spit on what thing, exactly?
HTG: You’re joking, right? Wow. You really haven’t seen it? I figured if you were interviewin—nevermind. Well this is awkward.
AW: What is awkward?
HTG: A penis. It was a penis.
AW: I’m sorry?
HTG: I said you have to spit on a man’s penis first in order to give a really good blow job. But I see your face and before you judge me, people don’t know shit about me, including yourself. I’m so much more than that stupid drunk moment. Like let me tell you about the work I—
AW: Ok yes, let’s move on and talk about your actual work as I don’t see what all that that has to do with why we’re here today. We all get drunk and say stupid shit sometimes. So tell me, what craft got you to where you are today?
HTG: Craft? Like the beer?
AW: What—no. Let’s try this another way. What value do you bring to the world? What is your art medium of choice that you’ve toiled away at for years to perfect and share with the world that has you the “It” girl of the moment?
HTG: Um. I don’t know what you’re talking about. That viral moment was it. Also you clearly didn’t do your homework and I don’t see why you were assigned this interview. I’m telling my publicist.
AW: I’m sorry. So you’re telling me that because of that one “spit on that thing” line and likely because you are what I imagine society these days deems a conventionally attractive young woman, that you are now as famous as, and getting the same, if not more opportunities than, other creatives who actually bring real art of value into the world?
HTG: I mean, when you put it that way…
AW:Answer the question please.
HTG: I mean, yes. You could say that.
At this point, this acclaimed artist who has risen from the dead for the first time in 37 years for this interview, gets up and runs into the Broadway Street traffic, thanking a God that after this interaction I’m now believing less in, that I did not make it to this disgusting time and place that is called 2024.
I LOVE THAT FOR YOU! PODCAST CORNER
Welcome to the pod, writer / producer / director / comic-book-nerd-and-creator, Stacey McClain!
A Chicago native, Stacey found early success working for 10 years as a stand-up comedienne, performing all over the country, doing shows such as, “Showtime at the Apollo,” “Soul Train,” and opening up for acts such as “Martin Lawrence” and “George Lopez.” Her adventures in comedy eventually led her to her true calling – writing and producing for television, film the stage, as well as the Internet.
Although she is best known as a television writer, her ability to write across all platforms truly shows that she can effectively bring a story to life, in any medium. Stacey’s storytelling has kept this prolific talent consistently at the top of her game and she's here to tell Kelly all the tea on how she got to where she is today!
Be sure to follow Stacey at @staceymcclain1000 and check out her website staceymcclain.com
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THREE THINGS I’M LOVING THIS WEEK
BOOK: Ant Farm by Simon Rich
It’s an oldie but a goodie. Don’t know how I didn’t read this book of comedic (very) short stories when it originally came out.
SHOW: Love Island USA
It finally got me. Ugh. Mindless, stupid, addictive fun. (Too many episodes though.)
