What can I say. Being at ’s graduation last Friday inspired me. Here’s what my hypothetical speech would be if I was a person worth asking to do a commencement speech.
It’s too early for this.
Before I begin, I just want to say they gave me three minutes to give this speech. So breathe a sigh of relief, continue to think about where and what you’re having for dinner, and let’s get this shit over with, yeah?
Ladies and gentleman, faculty and staff, honored guests, regular guests and least of all, the guy who made me pay for parking even though I’m the guest of honor, I’d like to welcome you all for the 9th time in the span of 17 minutes to the graduation ceremony of the Class of 2024.
If you think about it, the Class of 2024 is kind of like Taylor Swift. How, you may ask? Well, Taylor persevered through her #canceled Reputation era to become a billionaire, find love, and become the most famous woman on the planet. You mere plebeians, on the other hand, persevered through online learning and graduating high school during a pandemic only to be rewarded with more online learning and not getting to experience the god given rights of getting shit-faced in disgusting frat party basements and gaining the freshman 15-30. Soon your goal changed from getting a $200,000 piece of paper called a diploma, to simply cherishing and living in the moment with your new future-lifelong-friends and soon-to-be-ex-lovers when the world opened back up again.
Your class of 2024 is different. Let me repeat that. You all sitting here today getting fidgety and checking your phones right now are different. You Gen-Z’ers like to hear those kind of platitudes, right?
There are many dangers in this shitty world — global warming, wars, the eventual loss of collagen, and despite all of this you guys still managed to do the thing that society expects of you even though you’ll all soon be underpaid and underemployed—graduate college! If that doesn’t deserve a round of applause to eat up some of my allotted speech time I don’t know what does!
As you go forth into the great unknown, remember to embrace failure as a stepping stone to success, keep your sense of humor close at hand for those inevitable awkward moments, and never underestimate the power of a good meme to brighten your day.
I know what you’re thinking right now. Was this speech written with Chat GPT? Who knows.
To wrap things up, Class of 2024, as you toss your caps in the air, poke your neighbors eye out in the process and bid farewell to the safety of campus life on your way to the ER, know that the best is yet to come.
Not really, but it sounds like something encouraging I should say right about now.
As you go out into the real world, may your coffee be strong, your Wi-Fi signal be strong, and your ambitions to reach 1 million followers on TikTok be even stronger.
Go out there and show the world what you're made of, and don't forget to call your parents once in a while - they paid a shit ton for this college experience that you will soon learn doesn’t really mean anything anymore in a world full of nepo-babies and influencers who didn’t graduate High School.
As the worlds greatest poet Taylor Swift once said, “We are never ever ever getting back together.” So say goodbye to the cozy bubble of campus and everyone here, but make sure to stay in touch. A rising tide raises all boats or whatever that bumper sticker cliche is. This network, these bright-eyed bushy tailed peers to your left and right, will aways remain your best resource. Just be sure to network with each other early and often before the world beats you down and sucks the twinkle out of your eyes.
Ok, ok, I hear your boos. I’m almost done, I promise. Prove me wrong! Down with Corporate America, amiright? Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life. Yada yada.
Now, Class of 2024, it’s officially time to get the fuck out of here, move on, kick ass, take names and make memes. Congratulations. You did it!
Pretend I’m behind a podium giving a speech here.
On this weeks episode, Mercury is in retrograde, especially for Kelly. But never fear, things get bck on track and dopamine-infused when we look to the stars and profile Caroline Herschel—a woman who experienced such childhood cruelty, she thought of herself as Cinderella. Yet she overcame abuse and disfigurement to reach for the stars. Red then leads us an astronomy themed round of Do We Love This or That?
Follow us @ilovethatforyoupod, over at our Facebook page and email us with questions, comments or if you want to be a guest on a future episode at ilovethatforyoupod@gmail.com. We basically have as many listeners as Call Her Daddy.
Good timing for her after killing it at The Roast of Tom Brady.
It’s Food Networks version of Top Chef, kind of? It’s back for season two. And once again I am here for it and wishing I was living in that epic Italian villa whilst licking my screen.
Corny but why the hell not try it, ya know? To save you the trouble here are the seven steps:
1. Be clear in your vision
2. Remove fear and doubt
3. Align your behavior
4. Overcome tests from the universe
5. Embrace gratitude without caveats
6. Turn envy into inspiration
7. Trust in the universe
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